So here we are, months and months later, and like most bloggers I have taken a break due to stress and huge life changes. I have moved to Foreignland (let's come out and say it's Australia, shall we?) to be with Feb, and have been in the country for nearly two months now. I am starting to get settled in, though the necessity to move is on the horizon, and I start a job tomorrow, finally.
The biggest development, I suppose, is that two weeks ago, Feb once again changed his mind about our relationship. Readers, this time his words were, "We just aren't supposed to be together. This isn't going to work out in the long run". So he truly is Feb again.
He feels that since my arrival in Australia, our relationship has been "too hard", and if it's right, then it's not meant to be so hard. We have only been together in the same country for five weeks. Five. Weeks. After ten months of upholding a long distance relationship, of talking nearly every day and emailing at least that often, of long letters and hopeful prayers, he has given us five weeks to create a perfect relationship "in person", decided that we (I) do not meet his expectations, and now it's all over.
Cliche as it may sound, my heart feels like it is being ripped out of my body: skin is streching, straining to the breaking point, a long, slow tear is opening that reaches deep down within my chest. Something grabs my heart, wraps around it, squeezes it and becomes still, vise-like, a steady, inescapable pressure. And then, excruciatingly slowly, my heart, my deepest insides, are twisted, pulled, savagely torn as vein and artery and ligament are snapped and discarded, and then there it is, for all to see: the bruised heart writhing and torn and alive, but dying. And so I feel sick inside, and heavy, and empty, all at once and all the time. I don't want to eat, I spend my days mostly alone and lonely, without a car, without my family, without my closest friends.
And that I think is maybe the hardest part. I have friends here, but they are still new, still surface, and often untrustworthy with details and feelings. I find that information travels like lightning in our community here, and I am the new one, the one that Feb has rejected. I get looks of pity and the sympathetic head tilt, and people offer to "catch up" and hang out, which is sweet, but there rarely is that level of total, soul baring comfort where I can sob for hours and know that the warm arms around me will not let up, will hold me and stroke my damp hair and look past my blotchy red face and swollen eyes and know that inside is a girl who is worth it, even if he doesn't think so.
I just feel like he hasn't even given us a chance. Of course it's going to be hard, our relationship was stamped "difficult" from the very beginning: an Aussie and a Canadian, both fiercely loyal to their homes and very involved with their community, schools, and church. We have spent 17 months of our two year relationship in separate countries, but we have always made it work. This time, seeing each other, was the first time we were physically together since he up and left Canada, and there were trust issues on my end (I was afraid of all this happening again) and we had never lived our lives "normally"- working and doing day to day things. One of us was always on vacation and so we spent long, lazy days together, seeing only each other, oftentimes, and picking irritably until little fights would start.
But now I have moved here, across the world so things could be different, we could be real. I have left my job, my friends, my home, my car, my family, my life, just to be with him and set up a normal relationship in a normal life, to give us a chance. And I knew it would be hard and woud take adjusting, and I knew that there were parts missing from our relationship that needed to be introduced and strengthened, but I thought that we had time to work those things out together, to create and renew and refresh and to relearn each other in so many ways.
But he has given up. Just like that, he has seen the future somehow and decided that this, us, will never work. He asked me if I think two people can be so attracted to each other, but it just not be "right", and of course I think so, but not us. We are different, we are special- we can't resist each other, even from across the world. We are drawn to each other, to our humor and looks and laughter and intelligence and kindness and the whole package.
I just don't understand why he would give up. Why, now, he would dismiss our future. He begged me to come here in the first place: I was so reluctant, so scared because I was worried this would happen. He dismissed that, promised he would take care of me, told me that this time it was permanent and God was going to make us such a powerful team, partners. He even wanted me to move on an "Intention to Marry" visa, which provided that we would have to marry within 9 months of my arrival. He had no problems with that, but I held back because I was afraid of the steadfastness of his heart.
By the time I got here, I was convinced. He had made me believe that he was trustworthy, that we would be together forever, that a happy home with love and fun and devotion was ahead of us. And now he has abandoned me, left me to my own survival.
I am missing all that he was for me: a partner, a confidante, an advisor, a giver, a driver, understander of my jokes, a teacher, my best friend, my very best friend. I am so lonely, so confused, so hurt. I love him and miss him with all that I am, and he turns from me whenever we are even within eyesight of each other.
I don't know what to do. I just don't know how to imagine my life without him. Not again. This can't be how it's supposed to be.
