Have no fear, everyone! Feb and I have worked things out. I was finally honest with him and told him just how much I really do care about and miss him. He has started to be more honest in conversation and to tell me how he's feeling on a regular basis.

He was scared to say how he felt because he thought he would sound stupid- you know, he left Canada, but now he says that he misses me. He thought that I would not believe him or not want to hear it when in reality, I really need to hear that. I'm not going to travel across the world for someone who doesn't make me believe that they want me to! So we are being careful to tell each other exactly what we are feeling, and it's going really well!

Being so far apart really does make it harder, though. I have decided that, if all goes well, I will head out to Foreignland again at the end of the summer. I have obligations here until that time- work, school, some volunteer stuff I do- that I really can't turn my back on, but at the end of August, I intend to go see him.

Readers, I'm so excited! And, guess what! Feb's birthday is coming up in a few days, and I bought him the coolest thing . . . a webcam! Now I know that to many of you, that is not an exciting present, but I really think he will be thrilled! You see, he has been asking me to get a webcam so that we can see each other while we talk online. In fact, he has been asking me to do that since our first separation period (when I was waiting for him to come out here) which was well over a year ago. I always said no, and I'm not really sure why. I think it is because I had weird connotations with webcams, thanks to some of the sketchy stuff that floats around on YouTube. I also like the idea that I can talk to him while I'm in my pajamas with no makeup and frizzy hair and it doesn't matter because he can't see me.

But I've realized that Feb's seen me like that before. It really doesn't matter to him if I look perfect all the time, and heaven knows that he's seen me at my worst and still wants me! I've also realized just how visual he really is. I know that guys in general are visually stimulated, and seeing things is really important for their learning and enjoyment, and maybe I'm just not aware of the extent of that, but it seems that Feb is even more visually jump-started than most guys. I mean, when I send him a simple picture of me, he can be excited about it for a week! I've decided that if it will be that exciting and wonderful for him, it really is worth it for me to cave in and get us webcam-enabled.

So, I went and bought two nice webcams and one is on its way to Foreignland as I type. The other is sitting on my computer and I have already tried it out a few times and discovered it is not as scary as I thought it would be.

Maybe, just maybe, Readers, things will be okay.

I spent most of the day today crying.

I am so confused again, Readers. Feb and I had a bit of a disagreement the other night- he wanted me to commit to coming back to Foreignland to see him, and I played hard-to-get and wouldn't give him that confirmation. Not only did I want to see how he would react, but I am still scared and unsure of the intensity and purity of his commitment to me. I guess I should have just been honest with him, but I wanted to see what he would say if I told him I was thinking of taking more courses that would keep me here until December.

He was so angry. He felt that I just didn't care about us being together. Then he did the male thing where he got all cold and started treating me like a stranger, refusing to talk and try to work the problem out.

I eventually told him that nothing was going to come out of this conversation, that I had a final exam AND a big project due the next morning, and as it was nearly midnight, that I should go.

I had an email the next morning from him with a quasi-apology, stating that he was "tired" and it made him act meanly. He said that he was sorry, though, which was nice.

I wrote back later that day and told him in many words how his behaviour made me feel. You see, Readers, it is really important to me that he know that when he shuts down and won't communicate with me, it really hurts me. I wanted him to know that it simply isn't an appropriate way to deal with miscommunications and fights. I told him that if he wants to rebuild my trust for him, he has to act in ways that cause me to want to trust him.

I got an email back this morning that said this:

"Hi. Thanks for the email.

You’ve made something pretty clear to me that I don’t think I realised myself. I'm not ready to put in the amount of work that this is going to take. I can’t do the phone and email thing any more, and that is where you are at at the moment. I'm not trying to hurt or punish you because you feel differently to me, I'm just trying to be real with you. However, that is exactly it. You feel differently to me.

I'm sorry that I made you feel like I didn’t care about you. Whether you can trust me or not, I hope you can believe that that was never my intention.

I think we could have been great together but the distance, along with our feelings from the past seem like too much of a hurdle.

I hope you understand where I am coming from.

Feb."


And now my heart is breaking all over again, and I don't know what to do.

I am so sorry it's been so long since I last posted! I have been in the throes of finishing one of my marketing courses and have a HUGE project due tomorrow, as well as a final exam. So I have been a busy girl and have not kept up my regular delightful interaction with all of you!

But I do have things to share, Readers. Most importantly . . .

Feb found the blog.

Actually, "found" is really not the right word. Feb searched out the blog. I was looking at my stats and seeing where people were coming to the site from, and I noticed one visitor came from a blog search engine. What had they used as the search terms? A quote from this post, which I quoted to Feb in one of my emails.

So I clicked on the details for that reader, and sure enough, his IP address was located in Foreignland, in the very state in which Feb lives.

Coincidence? I think not. What do you think, Readers? I told Feb when I sent him an excerpt from that post that I had a blog which none of my friends knew about- it was a place where I could be completely honest and not have to censor myself for anyone or anything. He knew that I wanted to keep it private, and I told him that I wanted to send him part of the post because I wanted him to be able to read how I felt at the moment I felt it, rather than trying to remember things after time had passed.

So the question is . . . is he a scroundrel for invading my privacy and reading all my innermost thoughts? Or am I a scoundrel for revealing my innermost thoughts to all of you, but not the person whom they are about?

I feel like my life is a soap opera.

Well, not really, because I don't have a twin sister who was in a coma and has now come back to kill my half-cousin-twice-removed who is also my boyfriend, whose love child I am carrying . . . or is it my uncles? But, I do feel like there are so many crazy developments in my life lately that I never know which ones to share with you all and the best ways in which to do it!

I'll start with the easy stuff. There is a new guy at the Restaurant, and let me tell you, the ladies think he is Hot Stuff. There was much discussion today about the his deep voice, his tanned skin, and his shapely derriere. (That part I just don't get- I really am not a girl who checks out a man's behind. It is probably the last thing I would ever look at in a guy! I guess I just feel that having a great looking ass is our territory.) He's nice, I guess, but a little too quiet- not very outgoing or friendly or funny. . . maybe all that will come with time. Overall, he's just not my type.

Apparently our new friend doesn't feel the same way. It would seem that I am very much his type, and he spent the whole day following me around, clearing and wiping my tables, and asking me questions. All that I could handle. Things got weird, however, when, after having spent some time on the staff phone, New Guy hung up with a triumphant smile and promptly asked me if I had any new tables. I checked, and as I did have a couple, headed out into the restaurant.

One of said new tables was a two-top, two strapping young men who were very polite and ordered ice waters and a couple of causal entrees. As I was punching everything in on the computer, the guy on the right called my name.

"L," he said, "is there by any chance a new guy working today?" I nodded. "Oh. That's good. How is he doing?" I replied that I hadn't really spent much time with him, but he seemed nice enough and was learning quickly.

This is the strange part, Readers. The guy proceeded to grill me on how I felt about New Guy, about his looks and his manners and his work ethic and his attractiveness . . . it was the most uncomfortable moment and I tried to get out of it as soon as possible. The guy finished by asking me to send New Guy over.

I went to the back to let him know that someone was looking for him, and New Guy broke into a huge smile and said, "Oh yeah! I know! That's my roommate!"

Readers! Is this not completely inappropriate and abnormal? New Guy recruited his roommate and a friend to come in on his first day and interrogate one of his brand new co-workers about his sex appeal! I think that is so. weird.

I will try to write the rest of my soap-opera day to you later tonight. For now, I am off to work on a midterm paper that is due in a couple of days!