I spent most of the day today crying.

I am so confused again, Readers. Feb and I had a bit of a disagreement the other night- he wanted me to commit to coming back to Foreignland to see him, and I played hard-to-get and wouldn't give him that confirmation. Not only did I want to see how he would react, but I am still scared and unsure of the intensity and purity of his commitment to me. I guess I should have just been honest with him, but I wanted to see what he would say if I told him I was thinking of taking more courses that would keep me here until December.

He was so angry. He felt that I just didn't care about us being together. Then he did the male thing where he got all cold and started treating me like a stranger, refusing to talk and try to work the problem out.

I eventually told him that nothing was going to come out of this conversation, that I had a final exam AND a big project due the next morning, and as it was nearly midnight, that I should go.

I had an email the next morning from him with a quasi-apology, stating that he was "tired" and it made him act meanly. He said that he was sorry, though, which was nice.

I wrote back later that day and told him in many words how his behaviour made me feel. You see, Readers, it is really important to me that he know that when he shuts down and won't communicate with me, it really hurts me. I wanted him to know that it simply isn't an appropriate way to deal with miscommunications and fights. I told him that if he wants to rebuild my trust for him, he has to act in ways that cause me to want to trust him.

I got an email back this morning that said this:

"Hi. Thanks for the email.

You’ve made something pretty clear to me that I don’t think I realised myself. I'm not ready to put in the amount of work that this is going to take. I can’t do the phone and email thing any more, and that is where you are at at the moment. I'm not trying to hurt or punish you because you feel differently to me, I'm just trying to be real with you. However, that is exactly it. You feel differently to me.

I'm sorry that I made you feel like I didn’t care about you. Whether you can trust me or not, I hope you can believe that that was never my intention.

I think we could have been great together but the distance, along with our feelings from the past seem like too much of a hurdle.

I hope you understand where I am coming from.

Feb."


And now my heart is breaking all over again, and I don't know what to do.