Hello!

So Melty Man (MM) and I met up for coffee.  It was lovely- he was smart and funny and (gasp!) gainfully employed.  He is super close to his family and passionate about music and theater and volunteering.  He is about as busy as me and plays basketball, soccer and netball.  He sounds perfect, right?

So I have been playing it cool (who does that? What does that even mean?) and letting him put in the effort to keep in contact and organise another meeting.  And it worked...for awhile.  He has been keeping in touch via text message and last week he asked me to the footy!!

Now, for all of y'all who aren't from Australia, the footy is a big deal.  Especially for boys.  Football (specifically, Australian Rules Football) is almost a religion.  It is kind of a mix between soccer and NFL and maybe a bit of Celtic football thrown in there too.  It is played without pads or helmets and is completely and quintessentially manly.  Hoo boy, pure testosterone is covering that field. 

I love the footy.  I love the fit men and their sleeveless tops and the passion and the speed and utter ruggedness of the game.  So of course when MM invited me along I gave him a resounding "yes" and then proceeded to giggle and text my girlfriends simultaneously to announce the news.  

Then.  MM did the unthinkable.  He messaged and made an excuse.  An EXCUSE people!  He told me he had a basketball game at the same time as the footy and couldn't miss it.  He then said that he wanted to catch up soon and could we arrange something else? 

I was of course lovely and gracious and suggested that perhaps the following weekend would be a good time to see each other.  And... no response. Nothing at all.  This was three days ago! 

Now, friends.  I suppose that I should just relax and be "cool" and wait it out, which I will, because I am all calm and collected and other words beginning with c.  But as a girl who has only ever been in serious, committed relationships, this whole casual dating thing has been a bit of a trial.  I'm just not well versed in the specifics of dating: the waiting, the teasing, the games, the subtle manipulations.  I mean, I don't want a relationship that involves such complicated maneuvers- can't we just be honest about how we feel and our level of interest in each other?  Can't we just enjoy each other's company and see where that goes? 

Sigh.  I just want this to be simple.  And so shall I wait to hear from dear MM, and I will relax and enjoy this charming stage of life called "singledom".  And drink some wine too. 

Kisses to you all! 

in which i am aurally pleasured

Hi y'all!  I have some news!  Melty Man called last night.  Yes, yes he did.  He called to arrange our first ever meeting, and he was lovely and funny and sounded so good.  

Now, keep in mind that I am a Canadian living in Australia, so I sound different to most folks I meet here.  I have gotten accustomed to hearing the Aussie accent, and I often don't even notice a difference at all, but once in while there is a voice that breaks through the everyday sounds that accost my ears. 

Melty Man... well, he broke through.  He is not overly "ocher" (think Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter), but has a rather refined, almost slightly English sound.  He was confident and led the conversation, asked lots of questions and laughed when I was hilarious (but then, when am I not?).  It was, in short, the best five-minute conversation I've ever had.  

We are meeting up on the long weekend- Monday is a day off!  I can't wait to see how it all goes, and with any luck, Melty Man will be just as smooth and charming and lovely in person.  Either way, you shall hear from me soon!

there was shaking and quakey-ness and it was scary

Hi! Remember me?  

So, since last we met, I have tried on 14 pairs of bridesmaid shoes, worked approximately 17 billion hours, and consumed 52 bottles of wine.  Yay! So let me see what kind of news I can come up with to entertain you...

Did I tell y'all Feb got engaged?  Yes, that amazingly manipulative, sneaky, lying, sexually deviant beast is engaged to a girl who used to be a very close friend of mine! I know, right?! It's just bizarre.  I am thrilled to tell you all, however, that I actually couldn't desire anyone or anything less in my life, which is a very good place to be.  Except for the part where we are in the same room together and I feel physically repulsed and also the overwhelming urge to run far, far away.  This happens about four times a week, which is far more than I would like.  But we are dealing with that, people, and being forgiving and trying to love like Jesus would do. Mmm hmmm, yes we are.  

I am a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding, which is coming up quickly in October.  How crazy is that?! The good part is that this will be a massive, creative, wonderful party full of beautiful decorations and food and people.  The bad part is that I will be paired with Lex (Local Ex-Boyfriend) in the wedding party.  We were dating when the engagement happened, so it was a natural progression, but this also means that I would like to fit into the two-sizes-too-small bridesmaid dress which I bought in order to look amazing and make him feel uncomfortably aroused all day, which means that I will not be eating between now and October. Just drinking wine.  Which sounds okay by me! Hee! 

What else?  Hmmm.  I redecorated my lounge room and... oh wait.  That is not entertaining.  One moment.  

My basketball team won its summer season Grand Final! This is a Very Big Deal for me because it means that I have another sport trophy to add to my bookshelf.  This is exciting because when I "play basketball", it actually translates to "running around the court looking busy and hoping that no one notices that I actually contribute nothing to the game, and actually fall a lot".  So, hooray team! And now training has started for winter season, which equates to "whole gym full of women (and sometimes boys who come early for their practice) seeing me run and fall and pass ball and fall and shoot ball and fall, and then laugh.  And point". 

And. Also. Ooh, ooh!  I have started dating.  Casually.  I'm a casual dater. I have now met two new boys in the last week and gone for coffee and chatted and stretched my social circle.  It has been lovely! Also! (and this is very exciting) I have been chatting with a gorgeous young man who is a brother of an old colleague.  She emailed me a very general, newsy email, and finished with this out-of-nowhere comment about how she has a lovely and handsome brother who remembers me from a year ago when he picked her up from work, and would I like to fall madly in love with him and have lots of babies? (That last bit may have gone a tiny bit differently).

So now we are "friends" on a certain social networking site, and we text religiously, and he is beautiful and tall and masculine but is taking his nieces to the zoo tomorrow, because they are his "princesses" and he is too adorable and I melt when I receive his messages! Our first official "I'm interested in you and let's have babies" meeting is on Wednesday.  Report forthcoming! Hold your breath, it will be worth it! 

(Except please don't actually hold it till Wednesday because that is a long time, and let's face it, I will probably not write that night. But I will try, because I love you, almost as much as beautiful melty man!)

I believe that this is all the good news for tonight, so I shall now try to sleep.  I anticipate that this will be extra hard as I just felt an earthquake.  No lie, friends, I truly experienced quite a noticeable earthquake just now as I was writing to you! I figure that this means that my experiences with Melty Man are meant to be, and are earth-shakingly fated.  Yep.  So goodnight, and fare thee well!  Please tell me how you are doing, because I miss you!  Kisses! 

starting over and overusing the s word

Good evening great wide world of web! Here I sit watching So You Think You Can Dance Australia and considering 1) my dubious desire to be a fit dancer who can "sing with my body" (yes a real quote from the show, and it's all very inspiring and deep and such) and 2) my promise to write and update you all on the last few months. Or, um, year. Or so, you know. And I was just thinking, if it's ok with you, would you mind terribly if I were to just skip over it all and continue on from here? I mean, I know that continuity is important and everything, but really, I have the feeling that I have lost most of my audience at this point and it can't hurt to just start anew, in a sense, even if its just with me, myself, and oh what the hell, I!

So. Yes. Starting new. Basically I will just let you know that I have finally (almost) managed to rid myself of Feb entirely. Perhaps one day I will be able to explain it all to you, but right now it is too much.  Feb is still in my life and in my normal weekly "friendship circle", and I try as much as possible to limit our interaction to just that. Friendly friendship circle-type stuff where we don't actually have to talk, but just sort of sit in the same room and try not to have eye contact or start brawls or street rumbles or anything.

Now, that all said, I am pretty much free! Yay! It's been a long stretch of what was essentially, honestly, truly an enslavement and I am so pleased to be emancipated. So that's enough of that!

New news? Well, I am still working at the not-for-profit organisation (ooo, notice my very Australian spelling, and how I am a true local with the vernacular and 's' instead of 'z' and such down pat!) where I am sort-of-kind-of in charge of promotions and publications. This has proven to be both a challenge and a wildly fun experience as I work in a team of all males. That's right y'all, yours truly Little Miss sits with boys all day every day, and learns about boys and laughs at boys and feels particularly proud of herself when said boys laugh at her jokes. And, as a special coup, I have managed to convince the boys to set aside a special chunk of everyday that is (and I tell you this with every bit of officialness I can muster  [it's a word NOW, ok!]),  Silly Time.

I love Silly Time. Silly Time is always in the afternoon, usually about half an hour or so, but as a rule is never policed. Silly Time is a group time that involves three people- myself, Adonis (lisping Greek coworker) and Caesar (football-star Italian coworker). It always occurs after Headache Time (a special Little Miss-only period that usually lasts from about 2.15-2.55pm) but before Preparing to Go Home Time.

Silly Time is very simple. Basically it boils down to this: three creative people who have been sharing an office all day long let go and release all the ridiculous impulses they've repressed for six hours in the name of Being Professional. Anything can happen during this period. We've been known to hold dance-offs, people. Dance-offs can get very competitive so I don't encourage them when we have a big project to finish.

This week Adonis was away seeing George Michael in Sydney (George Michael!) and so Caesar and I forged into Silly Time all alone. After some discussion and a bit of giggling, Caesar and I decided that it would be very clever and very silly of us to reverse Adonis' entire workstation, down to the photos on his bulletin board and the sugar packets sprawled haphazardly on his desk. We moved his phone, his paper clips, his filing cabinets, and his pens. (Interjection: upon re-reading this I discovered I made a horrible typo on the word "pens"! Look at it, folks: pens.  now tell me you don't see the typo that was made and would, had I not fixed it, you would have been shocked and appalled  to read that I moved that particular thing on a man. And a co-worker, no less!) 

Anyhow, Caesar and I muffled our snorts of laughter as we perfectly angled Adonis' white-out, his stapler, and the crowning glory, his scales. (Yes, Adonis keeps a body-weight scale next to his desk at all times. This will likely take its own future post to explain.) After admiring our handiwork, Caesar and I declared an end to Silly Time and settled back into our respective work, feeling supremely self-satisfied and extraordinarily clever. (Look. Sometimes work is hard, and sometimes work is boring, and we just need to feel like something, ANYTHING has been accomplished in a short amount of time.  Y'all stop judging what makes me feel good!)

So Adonis comes back into work on Monday, and being the Greek god that he is, he sunnily wanders into the office, late as always, says hello, and settles into his desk.  Caesar and I exchange glances and smirk, trying to withhold our hysterics (see: work hard and boring, distractions welcome) and wait for the hilarity that is certain to ensue.  

And what do you think happened, internet-ers?  It took Adonis TWENTY MINUTES to recognise that everything, and I mean everything on his desk, down to the tiniest stray staple and the Canadian maple leaf shot glass (courtesy of moi!) was reversed.  I mean, people, this was wild stuff! And then, when the madness of his situation finally set in, what do you think Adonis did?  I'll tell you.  He said, "Ah.  You guys switched my phone to the other side.  Now is that a productive use of Silly Time?"

And so, dear readers, (should any of you still exist), that was the day  I realised that my silliness factor has gone down significantly.  I mean, I know that part of this lackluster response is due to Adonis' sad inability to recognise humor in its purest form, but it also has to reflect a little bit on my diminishing talent for true silliness, doesn't it?  

So I have come face to face with the stark realisation that I need to get back to my silly roots.  I mean, come on y'all, I understand that there are only so many times I can say the word 'silly' in this post and I need to stop, so I will draw it to a close with this: please help me get back to my s-ness! It will be my goal over the next few months to find my silly and put it into play at work and at home until no one, I repeat NO ONE is able to resist it.  And all will be drawn into my evilly silly plan for the WORLD! Yes! Yes! 

Ahem.  And with that, I am back.  Back from personal heartache and tragedy to blogging once again and focusing on me.  And I will be working hard to remember who I am and where my confidence has gone, and really embracing the Little Miss within... whether she be Little Miss Happy or Little Miss Angry or Little Miss Bossy or Little Miss Sunshine or Little Miss Independent or Little Miss Needs to Move Back to Canada to Realise Her Potential or yes, even Little Miss Silly.  

It all comes down to this, y'all: I can't wait to find out which it is! 

well, hi!

So. I can't even go back and read what my last post was to update you because, really, I am mortified to read anything that I may have wrote about FEB and the fact that I got back together with him just to let my heart be broken all over again. I actually just can't face reading those posts. I can't remember what they say, but I'm sure they don't deal with the emotional, mental, and physical abuse that he put me through. I'm certain that I don't detail the rape, the spiritual anguish, the feelings of worthlessness that I endured for him, so I won't address them now. Not this time.

But I have news of a new man, and I'm not sure if he is much better. Perhaps writing about him will help me to work through my feelings. We shall see! In the meantime y'all, I'm so pleased to be back! I have a feeling I'm on my own now though.... I miss you wall. If there is anyone left, stay tuned.

Oh hello there, internet world! It's been almost a year, goodness gracious, and here I am, writing all over again. Possible to just lil' ol' me this time, cause my lack of consistency has likely driven all of you away! Buttttttt, tonight I don't mind. I have made a delicious red lentil soup, I am drinking a delightful wine (purchased, untasted, by the case might I add! I'm proud of my selection!) and making friends with the blogging world once again.

Much has changed. Feb is still a prick (ooh, strong language!), but my job, my home, my life has changed. I look forward to telling you all about it!

May I just start you off with a little tease about my job- I LOVE it, I actually look forward to getting up in the mornings and going there! I actually get respected for my writing and it is an integral part of my work AND I work with a lisping Greek man, a footballer graphic designer who I am platonically in love with, and an Englishman who sings all day long and tends to emit loud bodily functions WITHOUT NOTICING!!! Ya'll, that is the favorite part of my day, when I hear loud exclamations of the bowels from the other side of the office, and no one minds!! Oh the joys of working with all males!

Also, since my move to Foreigland (Australia - did we cover that already? Now what number glass of wine is this?) I have become slightly more liberal and SO you may get to hear a story or two of the gory reality of my relations with Feb and what exactly he has been in my life over the last year.

And hopefully, at some point SOON, I will be writing of new boys and new fun in my life. Cause Lord knows I could use some fun after the hellish year that has just been!!

So if there are any of you left out there and you want to write to me and tell me about your nice sons/brothers/cousins who are funny and smart and not total pricks, please do! And I shall be a faithful lil' miss and not leave ya'll alone anymore!!

love love love!!

So here we are, months and months later, and like most bloggers I have taken a break due to stress and huge life changes. I have moved to Foreignland (let's come out and say it's Australia, shall we?) to be with Feb, and have been in the country for nearly two months now. I am starting to get settled in, though the necessity to move is on the horizon, and I start a job tomorrow, finally.

The biggest development, I suppose, is that two weeks ago, Feb once again changed his mind about our relationship. Readers, this time his words were, "We just aren't supposed to be together. This isn't going to work out in the long run". So he truly is Feb again.

He feels that since my arrival in Australia, our relationship has been "too hard", and if it's right, then it's not meant to be so hard. We have only been together in the same country for five weeks. Five. Weeks. After ten months of upholding a long distance relationship, of talking nearly every day and emailing at least that often, of long letters and hopeful prayers, he has given us five weeks to create a perfect relationship "in person", decided that we (I) do not meet his expectations, and now it's all over.

Cliche as it may sound, my heart feels like it is being ripped out of my body: skin is streching, straining to the breaking point, a long, slow tear is opening that reaches deep down within my chest. Something grabs my heart, wraps around it, squeezes it and becomes still, vise-like, a steady, inescapable pressure. And then, excruciatingly slowly, my heart, my deepest insides, are twisted, pulled, savagely torn as vein and artery and ligament are snapped and discarded, and then there it is, for all to see: the bruised heart writhing and torn and alive, but dying. And so I feel sick inside, and heavy, and empty, all at once and all the time. I don't want to eat, I spend my days mostly alone and lonely, without a car, without my family, without my closest friends.

And that I think is maybe the hardest part. I have friends here, but they are still new, still surface, and often untrustworthy with details and feelings. I find that information travels like lightning in our community here, and I am the new one, the one that Feb has rejected. I get looks of pity and the sympathetic head tilt, and people offer to "catch up" and hang out, which is sweet, but there rarely is that level of total, soul baring comfort where I can sob for hours and know that the warm arms around me will not let up, will hold me and stroke my damp hair and look past my blotchy red face and swollen eyes and know that inside is a girl who is worth it, even if he doesn't think so.

I just feel like he hasn't even given us a chance. Of course it's going to be hard, our relationship was stamped "difficult" from the very beginning: an Aussie and a Canadian, both fiercely loyal to their homes and very involved with their community, schools, and church. We have spent 17 months of our two year relationship in separate countries, but we have always made it work. This time, seeing each other, was the first time we were physically together since he up and left Canada, and there were trust issues on my end (I was afraid of all this happening again) and we had never lived our lives "normally"- working and doing day to day things. One of us was always on vacation and so we spent long, lazy days together, seeing only each other, oftentimes, and picking irritably until little fights would start.

But now I have moved here, across the world so things could be different, we could be real. I have left my job, my friends, my home, my car, my family, my life, just to be with him and set up a normal relationship in a normal life, to give us a chance. And I knew it would be hard and woud take adjusting, and I knew that there were parts missing from our relationship that needed to be introduced and strengthened, but I thought that we had time to work those things out together, to create and renew and refresh and to relearn each other in so many ways.

But he has given up. Just like that, he has seen the future somehow and decided that this, us, will never work. He asked me if I think two people can be so attracted to each other, but it just not be "right", and of course I think so, but not us. We are different, we are special- we can't resist each other, even from across the world. We are drawn to each other, to our humor and looks and laughter and intelligence and kindness and the whole package.

I just don't understand why he would give up. Why, now, he would dismiss our future. He begged me to come here in the first place: I was so reluctant, so scared because I was worried this would happen. He dismissed that, promised he would take care of me, told me that this time it was permanent and God was going to make us such a powerful team, partners. He even wanted me to move on an "Intention to Marry" visa, which provided that we would have to marry within 9 months of my arrival. He had no problems with that, but I held back because I was afraid of the steadfastness of his heart.

By the time I got here, I was convinced. He had made me believe that he was trustworthy, that we would be together forever, that a happy home with love and fun and devotion was ahead of us. And now he has abandoned me, left me to my own survival.

I am missing all that he was for me: a partner, a confidante, an advisor, a giver, a driver, understander of my jokes, a teacher, my best friend, my very best friend. I am so lonely, so confused, so hurt. I love him and miss him with all that I am, and he turns from me whenever we are even within eyesight of each other.

I don't know what to do. I just don't know how to imagine my life without him. Not again. This can't be how it's supposed to be.

So, I am well underway at the new job. It is very bizarre being back in an office environment- working at a restaurant is SO different from an office atmosphere, it really is. The whole reason I went to go work at The Restaurant is because my office job was boring the pants off me, not to mention making me gain weight!

So here I am, back at a desk! I do, however, get to run around the country club, talking to chefs and golf pros and servers in my quest to organize perfect events, so I get to move around quite a bit. I can also head out to the driving range or the course whenever I please and golf FOR FREE!! This would be much more exciting if I had ever golfed in my life, or if I even cared one tiny iota about golf, but as it is, I do love anything free, so I'm happy.

I finished my third day today and am so far happy. I am finally starting to "get" the event planning software and have finished bleach-wiping my desk/phone/computer/anything breathed on or touched by former employees. I set up my voicemail and finally got access to my company email account today. Business cards should be arriving next week, and today my boss gave me his company password and username (!) for Staples and I went on a shopping spree! Fellow Event Planner and I wrote out a little wishlist, and I spent a few hours searching out everything we could ever want or need before pressing "send" and being guaranteed that our purchase would arrive by Monday! I'm so excited! I got myself a new mouse, a desk protector/writing surface, new pencils, scissors, a tape dispenser, a new waste bin (Boss's idea!), new binders, and a whole hanging file holder set! I think that's it, but there really might be more . . . let's just say that not only is it the most I've ever been allowed to purchase for myself on a company account on my third day, but it is ALL I've ever been allowed to purchase on a company account and I am drunk, people, DRUNK with power!!!

I have a midterm tomorrow, so I really should go study, but please don't let me forget about the rock star revival story . . . it's a good one!

I've recently started another grueling Saturday class. This time it's Wedding Planning, which should come in handy for my new job at Big Fancy Country Club- I will be planning a ridiculous amount of weddings, and so far have no idea how to do it! This course is proving minorly helpful, though I am starting to have dreams at night about getting engaged! I am turned into one of those wedding-fever girls who can't stop imagining the perfect dress or coming up with countless themes and color schemes . . . somebody help me!!




Breakfast: small cup of yogurt, glass of juice
Lunch: medium Quiznos sandwich, turkey and swiss
Snack: bag of baby carrots, two cinnamon sticks (mini pastries)
Dinner: grilled chicken breast, salad
Dessert: piece of apple pie with vanilla frozen yogurt

Haven't updated lately- why is it so hard to keep up with myself? Basically, I've been doing really good at my running schedule and not so hot at my eating- it's playoff's, afterall, and we are all scarfing down pizza while we cheer on our Canucks! So, I figure it at least balances out because I am running heaps and waving my arms around in constant cheering and/or "what are you doing?!?!" movements while simultaneously consuming large amounts of greasy bread and cheese slices.

Feb and I had an early morning phone date yesterday. It was about 7 30am for me and midnight for him, so we were both a little tired. It was so lovely, though- I could lay in bed with my laptop and webcam and phone-call software and see and talk to him- it was almost like we were cuddling together on a lazy Saturday morning.

I say almost because it was Monday morning, I had to go to work, he's 13,000km away, and there was no cuddling involved.

This is all getting really difficult. I mean, we finally feel like our relationship is in the right place and we are learning how to really understand each other, but we can't even hug or share a kiss. And forgive me for getting personal, but Feb is an amazing lover who is not only very thoughtful and persistent, but also the bearer of a very large and skillfully-used penis. It's only fair to say that I miss him terribly and am not sure how to deal with all this right now!

On a completely different note, I am starting the new job on Wednesday of next week! I am madly trying to get ahead in my schoolwork so that I can focus all of my attention and energy on really being prepared for the training and new work I will soon be in charge of!!! And on that note, it's back to the books for me . . . and maybe a bit of daydreaming about a certain sexy-accented foreigner . . .

PB called back and . . . agreed to my demand for more money! I am now officially the Event Planner at Big Fancy Golf and Country Club! I gave notice at the Restaurant yesterday, which was very sad- I really do like it there, regardless of how much I may complain about the ridiculous patrons and anal-retentive managers. I will miss it for the social connections with the staff, and even the regulars, and I will desperately miss the food!

But I am really excited for my new position- I think I will learn a lot and get to meet lots of new people, plus it will look great on my resume. And I suppose I will learn top time management skills as I juggle 40+ hours per week and my four-class schedule!

Wish me luck!



Breakfast: um. Coconut cake.
Lunch: half a sandwich at the Restaurant, two spicy chicken wings, a small piece of chocolate cake (no icing!)
Snack: Ok, this sounds bad, but . . . my manager bought me and a co-worker some cheesecake . . . so I had half. It's been a ckae kind of day, okay!? I'm going on a run right now, I promise!
Dinner: TBA. I promise it won't be cake again!
Update: I ended up having some carrots, green salad, and whole wheat crackers.

It's really illuminating to write down what you eat in a day and realize that 90% of your daily intake is cake!

Things got a little out of control today. I'm a little embarrassed, which is good- hopefully it will motivate me to be more careful in the coming days!

Breakfast: skipped it. This was the first mistake- it left me ravenous for the rest of the day.
Lunch: half a pizza with vegetarian pepperoni (at least it was a whole-wheat crust)
Snack: low-fat fruit bar from starbucks
Dinner: uhhh. The other half of the pizza.
Late night snack: corn chips with sour cream and bean dip.

Ouch. I had a stressful night and took it out on my food. I ate for the sake of it, not because I was hungry. Oh well, tomorrow's another day!

When I was eleven years old I decided to become a vegetarian. My parents said that it was okay if I could actually carry out a vegetarian lifestyle for two weeks straight. I promptly agreed and began to consume only things grown in the ground. On the third day, they took me out to Moxie's Family Grill (back when it was a casual family place) where they tempted me with my favorite food in the world- a clubhouse sandwich. With those layers of turkey, bacon, lettuce and tomato staring me in the face, my vegetarian-ism crumbled and I indulged in all of the double-decker delight.

A year later I tried again, and this time it took. I ate no meat, fish, or poultry for ten years and prided myself on my healthy lifestyle and ability to turn down fleshy, grease-laden treats like hamburgers and steaks. I worked hard to find great vegetarian meals and recipes, ventured into the world of cooking with tofu, and would often create gourmet delights in an attempt to trick my friends into thinking they were eating "real" meatballs, or chili, or pepperoni, etc.

But I have a confession to make, Readers. Feb has always felt passionately about my vegetarianism. I don't know if it was because his last girlfriend was a vege too, and he doesn't like the reminder of her, or whether he truly is just concerned about my health, but Feb is actively disapproving of my lifestyle choice and has always tried to encourage me to "branch out".

And Readers, after a year of well-meaning, concerned conversations, I finally told Feb that for his sake, I'd try to start eating a bit of chicken. Chicken has long been the only "meat" that is actually appetizing to me when I smell it, and I thought that perhaps it would be something palatable that would appease Feb's desire to see me eat meat. Plus, we were pretty confident that we were going to be living together relatively soon, and I was happily embracing the idea of cooking for him. I have no idea how to cook any meat whatsoever, and thought that this little foray into omnivorism would be a valuable learning experience.

So I tried it. And after the first tentative few bites, I loved it.

Now, Readers, I simply cannot get enough chicken. And I feel terribly guilty because, aside from my two closest friends, no one knows that I am eating any poultry. Why, you ask, would I keep it a secret? Because for as long as I've been a vegetarian, I have been mocked and singled out by my friends for it. I am known as LM, the vegetarian. It is almost a source of pride, and should people discover that I am straying from my self-prescribed path, it is as if I would lose a part of my character in their eyes. Plus, they are always offering to pay me enormous amounts of money to consume meat, and one of these days I plan on making a profit on just such an offer . . . with chicken!

So, here I am, sitting in my room, furtively scarfing down a piece of grilled chicken, smacking my lips and loving it! When we go out to eat, all I want to do is order the chicken salads on the menu. But I can't. I'm bound by my own sense of pride and status. So I will continue to enjoy chicken to its fullest degree in the confines of my home until one day, the time is right. And then they will know. . . then they will all know.


Breakfast: cup of yogurt
Lunch: grilled chicken salad
Snack: sauteed mushrooms and red peppers with grated mozza cheese
Dinner: handful of almonds, salad with viniagrette dressing, grilled chicken breast
Dessert: low-fat frozen yogurt (mango! mmm.)

Well, I did it. I called PB and told him that I really appreciate the offer, and I would love the opportunity to work with him, but I simply cannot do so for the amount that he is offering. He asked me what I wanted, and I told him. He seemed shocked. He said, "That much? Are you factoring in commission? Because commission will be another big chunk on top of that!" And I said, "Yes, that's before commission." Then he seemed a little mad and hung up pretty quickly, letting me know that he would talk to the president about it and let me know on Tuesday, when he's back in the office.

That's fine. I really don't mind anymore whether I take it or not. I mean, afterall, it's my choice now whether I do it, and I will only do so if I am comfortable with the job as a whole. It's not like I'm desperate for work! I like being in this position of power!

On another note, I've decided that I'm going to start recording what I eat on my blog. Now, this might seem weird to some readers, but really, this blog is meant to be a personal space for venting and expressing myself. Of course I know that other people can read it, and I don't mind that, but nobody has to read it. That means that I can use this space as I please, and I will! I have been working really hard lately to get back into really good shape. I am doing well on my running program- the overall goal is to run 5k (or 3miles) after the 8 weeks finishes. Today, as part of week five, I ran 3.2k (2miles) and it was totally fine. I felt very proud! Anyway, as an added incentive to keep myself accountable to my BB07 goals, I'm going to record my food for each day.

This will help me because, 1) I never remember what I eat! I can eat a whole bar of chocolate and not even remember it later that day, when I will eat more and then wonder why I feel sick! Writing things down will help me stick to my goals. And, 2) if I know that other people can see what I've eaten (because I'm going to be completely honest), even though you are all total strangers, maybe that will help me be more careful about what I put into my body!

So, you may find small notes at the end of posts about my food intake, or you may find that somedays that is the only post. Either way, I hope no one minds! Please, feel free to keep me accountable or remind me of my goal if you notice that I've gone ballistic one day and totally blown it.


Here we go!
Brunch: cranberry scone, piece of coffee cake, orange juice
Lunch: salad with greens, goat cheese, strawberries and pecans (yum!)
Snack: Latte and some leftover Easter Mini Eggs
Dinner: Barbequed chicken sandwich on brown bread with lettuce, carrots

So I met with Potential Boss yesterday and he officially offered me the job. He gave me a package with details about responsibilities and expectations, as well as compensation, benefits, etc. We went through it together, and everything was looking as I expected, until . . . we reached the compensation page. I was shocked at how little they were offering!

I mean, in all of our discussions, PB has been very upfront about the fact that I will be working long hours- all event planners do- often up to 60 hours a week. They would offer days off in lieu of overtime pay, but when I figured out the math, it ends up that I will only be making a bit over eleven dollars per hour, based on a forty hour week at $450/week. If you add 10 to 20 hours a week to that total, I could be getting paid seven dollars an hour!!! And our minimum wage here is eight!
(Note: PB adds that I will be paid a commission on all events, and says that this will increase my salaray by around 5K per year. I guess that is something I need to keep in consideration . . .)

Now, this job is a great way to get my foot in the door of the event planning world, and normally I would suck it up and take the job, knowing that I will likely get a raise relatively soon. However, at my current job at the restaurant, I make $450/week, easy, working only 20 or 25 hours!! It is very hard for me to imagine working twice as many hours or more, just to earn the same amount of money that I am earning now. Additionally, as I am still going to school, it just doesn't make sense to stress myself out by taking four classes AND working over forty hours per week, all for what would be a sub-standard wage for me!

I did contact one of my event planning teachers and ask her what an average salary is for a beginner. She told me that most positions start at $24-30,000 per year- a bit over what PB is offering me. I was expecting PB to offer 30K- afterall, I have a university degree in addition to my Event Marketing certification!

So now I don't know what to do- I would like the job, and think it would be a great opportunity for me. However, it is really difficult for me to justify working so very hard, while attending school full-time, and making not very much money in return.

Ahhh!! Once again, I turn to you, Readers . . . give me advice and solve all of my problems!

I hope everyone enjoyed their Easter celebrations! Or at least the time off work and school . . . I had a bit of a lonely Easter this year. My dad was out of town visiting my Grandpa, who was recently hospitalized because of a heart attack. My sister and brother in law went out of province to visit some family, and my mom was invited for dinner at her friend's house. So it was just me this year, and I spent the time working a lot and messing around on the internet.

Okay, I'm done feeling sorry for myself! There were good things that happened this weekend! One highlight would be that I got a call from the Country Club!! I got the job!

Officially, I don't have it yet. We have an appointment for tomorrow where I will meet with Potential Boss and he will present me with an offer for the position. I don't really know what this means, but I pretended I did over the phone. I am assuming that we will talk about salary and benefits and such, but I'm not sure and am hoping that it will all be simple! I'm not experienced in the field of negotiation!

I'm very excited because this is really exactly what I've been going to school for! Hopefully it will be a good experience- I'm nervous about taking four classes AND working a more-than-fulltime job, AND possibly staying on at the Restaurant for one shift a week. I'm also nervous about talking to management at the Restaurant . . . they love me there and really need experienced people right now! I hate the idea of leaving them shorthanded and not getting to see all my dear co-workers there!

I guess all this is normal new-job stress! I will keep you posted on how the negotiations go tomorrow!!

I had a job interview today!

This has all come about rather suddenly. I was perusing craigslist on Tuesday night and happened upon a listing for an Event Planner at a local country club. On a whim, I sent in my resume, thinking that while I am not yet certified in the field, I will be by summertime and I might as well get some practice writing cover letters and trying to impress potential employers. I went to bed that night without giving it another thought.

Yesterday, when I arrived home from the Restaurant, there was an email waiting for me, requesting that I call the Director of Special Events as soon as possible to "discuss my qualifications for the job"! He also mentioned that he was impressed by my resume and was looking forward to talking to me. I called him back that night and set up an interview for this morning before work!

It was . . . interesting. Potential Boss (PB) was very friendly and talkative . . . very, very talkative. When I first entered the office, I commented on its color- it is deep red and very vibrant. I thought that he would accept the compliment and we would move on into the interview. But PB had other ideas. Instead of talking about me and my suitability for the company, we talked about how he painted the office when it was his boss', without permission, and earned heaps of praise for his creativity. Then we talked about how color affects mood and the red keeps him alert throughout the day. Then he told me about some diet program where they sell you blue-tinged glasses because no one wants to eat blue food, and if it all looks blue you will lose your appetite. Then we discussed McDonalds and Subway and their particular color scheme choices and how they relate to the fast food industry and its needs.

Then, and only then, Readers, did we start the interview. Even at that point, it felt more like an orientation than an interview. PB explained all the facets of the job to me, even showed me the planning software that the company uses. He told me all about their busy and slow seasons, the pasts of the former employees, how much of a discount I would get on food were I to work there, and described what a regular day would be like. For interview, I spoke amazing little- maybe only ten percent of the time!

I think it went well, though. I mean, the very fact that PB wanted to tell me so much about the job must have been a good sign, right? He asked multiple times if it was something I could see myself doing and feeling comfortable with. He was delighted when he discovered that I am taking Event Planning and Marketing right now and am hoping to make a career of it (uh, did he even read the resume that he was so impressed by?!). He even went into detail about my potential salary, commissions, share of the gratuities pool, and how many staff parties I can expect per year!

I honestly felt like I was there for my first day. He did say that he has a couple of other people that he is meeting with, but he will call in a couple of days. I am getting nervous!

I think my biggest issue is that I feel like I'm not ready for a "real" job! I have been working in the Restaurant for three years now. Before that, I worked an office job, and was overjoyed to leave the confines of the desk for a place where I could walk around all day and work with young, like-minded people. The thought of spending my summer working long hours, indoors, often behind a computer, is daunting for me. I just don't feel ready to grow up! Plus, the Restaurant is such a social atmosphere; I love my coworkers and am so lucky to have an abundance of fun, smart, poeple around me who understand the trauma that can be a server's life, but can still laugh with me over a glass of wine and ridiculous amounts of food at the end of the night.

Another issue is that I am tentatively planning to move to Foreignland for an indefinite period of time in September. I really really really want to get some event experience before then as it is will be difficult enough finding work, not only as a foreigner, but as a foreigner without a landed immigrant status. Though I know that this is really important, I feel guilty agreeing to work somewhere when I know I will likely be leaving them high and dry come six months from now!

I guess I am getting a bit ahead of myself- after all, I only just had the interview this morning, and have no idea whether I will actually be getting a job out of it!!! Cross your fingers for me, Readers, and help me figure out what the best course of action is here!

The Office

I don't have much to say today, but this video from The Office (British version) makes me cry (with laughter) every time I watch it. Which is a lot. Enjoy!

The Office (David Brent rules)

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Though Feb and I are still basking in the glow of our newly regained bliss (it's the one month anniversary of new re-relationship-ness today!), there is one teensy weensy problem that just doesn't seem to be going away.

I'm insanely jealous, Readers. I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm not a jealous person in general, really, and I usually try not to be around people who are because it's just so exhausting. But lately I have become a very jealous long-distance girlfriend who cannot stand the thought of other girls being around Feb.

I think that part of the problem dates back to when I was in Foreignland. Feb and I went on a little mini-vacation to Foreignland's most well-known and popular city. We toured the sights, enjoyed the shopping and food and some theater, and even managed to find an exclusive little night club where we secured a cozy booth and snuggled together while sipping overpriced cocktails.

Feb stood up and offered to get another round. I was feeling particularly affectionate by this point and insisted on coming with him. He headed toward the bar, and I was about two steps behind him when another girl stopped him with a hand on his arm. She stepped close to him, her long, straight brown hair brushing against him and her wide, shapely mouth curving upward as she leaned in.

"Excuse me," she smiled, hand still resting on his forearm. "Do you know where the bathroom is?"

"No, sorry," Feb replied.

"Oh." The girl paused, pouted. (By this point I was ready to jump on her and squeeze her dainty little throat). "Well," she purred, leaning ever closer, "would you like to come find it with me?"

I nearly choked. I was standing RIGHT THERE! Feb turned her down quickly and politely, grabbed my arm, and pulled me to the bar. I shot her evil ice daggers with my eyes and tried to make her feel lucky that I have an accent and am clearly a tourist in her country that she is liley to never see again.

The point of this little fable, readers? Feb is really attractive. As in hot. As in attractive enough that girls will try to pick him up while his girlfriend is standing two steps away!

And really, I'm lucky to have such a good looking guy who is also amazing, I know, but it is really not great when I am halfway around the world and am all too aware that the majority of hot young things in Foreignland are interested in MY prime real estate. (Was that too far over the cheesy line? I kind of liked it!)

Anyway, I was doing some myspace stalking the other day, and realized just how many girls Feb is friends with. I know he sees them as innocent friendships; he is an incredibly friendly person who is really nice to everyone he meets, male or female. It's just that most of his friends who are female have, at one point or another, tried to get together with him (and yes, that runs the full spectrum of meanings that that phrase can hold!) And he has rejected them, explained to them again about his lovely Canadian girlfriend who is holding her breath and waiting for him, and told them he is not available nor interested. Yet they keep hanging on his every word and laughing at all his jokes, believing deep down that no long-distance relationship can really work, and if they keep wearing their skimpy little outfits and playing coyly with their white-blond hair, they will eventually win him over. I can't stand it! It wouldn't be as much of a problem if they weren't all pretty, skinny girls, but they are, which makes everything worse.

Call me crazy, but when I go to leave a comment on his myspace page as a little surprise (I dislike myspace, so writing to him on it is a special treat for Feb!), I am not thrilled to see these aforementioned girls littering his page with their pictures and flirtatious comments. Today it made me so mad that I went for a run. A good long one, and with every step I told myself that I would lose more weight and become a thousand times prettier than Feb already thinks I am, and a million times hotter than the silly little girls that surround his life.

Shallow? Maybe. Perhaps that's not the best bit of arsenal in my collections of motivation for losing weight and getting fitter, but it works. Plus, if I can show up in Foreignland and be fit enought to look better than the foreign chicks in a great pair of jeans and be strong enough to wring their necks if they ever lay their hands on Feb again, then all the better!

My last post seemed to attract more readers than usual . . . I have the nagging feeling that there are lots of people out there who struggle with their personal fitness and health goals. I guess that is a given in our society: we are all aware of the "supermodel syndrome", the ridiculous expectations that we and society place upon our bodies and personal image, the fact that every woman (and probably lots of men, too) will always have something that she cannot accept about herself. Really, all one has to do is look at the young women around her to see the insecurities and confidence issues that plague the collective female consciousness.

I think that lots of companies are starting to pick up on this problem, and some are even trying to address it and change the status quo. Dove in particular does a great job; I'd encourage everyone to check out the Campaign for Real Beauty website to see tons of videos that feature everyone from young girls to older women talking about their self image and their struggle to come to grips with who they are and what they have been created to be.

Subservient Worker recently voiced some of the problems she faces in my comments section and asked for any advice I might be able to offer. I don't know if she quite knew what she was getting herself into with that request-- I could talk about this subject for hours! But, for the sake of you all, I will try to keep this abbreviated.

SW, I feel your pain! In lives as busy as ours, it often becomes difficult to eat well and exercise. It feels like we only have enough time or willpower to do one or the other, but to keep control of both is far too great an exertion in the midst of work and school and homelife and long distance relationships that depend entirely on webcams. (Maybe that last one just applies to me . . .)

Firstly, though, I want to encourage you that losing five pounds is a HUGE accomplishment, and to say congratulations! It is so easy for us to look at the number five, or seven, or even two, and think "That's nothing! I need to lose so much more than that!", and then we get discouraged. I once had a coworker who was working really hard to lose weight. She had been over 250 pounds for as long as I'd known her, and was just starting to attend a weight loss support group and really work on improving her health and lower her body weight. I remember I was once sharing with her my own frustrations about my body, and she told me something I will never forget, mainly because it came from someone who had clearly faced her own unique battle in this area.

"LM," she said, "when you think of losing five pounds of fat, it often doesn't seem like much, and I understand that you can get annoyed that the pounds aren't flying off. But look at this." She went to our office fridge and pulled out the industrial size five-pound tub of margarine that someone had left in the fridge for everyone's use. "Look at this tub. The fat you lost in the last month, the five pounds you worked so hard to get rid of, would fill this container. Feel how heavy it is. Look at it and imagine how much work it would take to make this entire container just disappear. That is what you have accomplished!"

And even if it sounds silly, ever since then, I have learned to picture my weight losses, small or large, in one pound blocks or five pound tubs of butter or margarine. To be able to look at a physical object and know that I, through sheer determination and hard work, have forcibly removed its equivalent in fat from my body is a huge boost for my self-esteem. It has really taught me to appreciate my own efforts and to celebrate the small successes along the way.

As for the fine balance between keeping up our healthy eating efforts and exercise goals at the same time, I can only share what I find helps me. This method may not work for everyone because we all have different ways of envisioning ourselves and our fitness efforts, but over the last few years, when I really started caring about my health, I have developed this habit which has helped me control this tricky area.

I look at calories. You see, 3500 calories equals one pound of fat. If you were to eliminate 500 calories from your diet everyday, over seven days you would lose one pound. So, I figure out how many calories I need to take in to maintain my current body weight (if you want this formula, feel free to ask/comment/email me). Then I take 500 calories off of the total, and over that week, I should lose one pound. The 500 calories can be either directly taken out of your diet, or they can be burned off by exercise, or a combination of both.

Using simple math like this helps me because it is indisputable fact. If you take away those 500 calories each day, you will lose the weight, no questions asked. To help myself control my eating, I tend to look at the calories I am burning while I am, say, exercising on the elliptical machine. In 25 minutes on the machine, I burn about 350 calories if I am working pretty hard. Later that day, if I am tempted to eat a bar of Swiss chocolate with hazelnuts (my absolute favorite!), I will look at the nutrition information on the bar and see that it contains 300 calories.

Then I think to myself, "I just worked really really hard to burn 350 calories. If I eat this chocolate bar now, will it be worth nearly 'cancelling out' all of the sweat and effort I just put in to burning the equivalent amount from my body?" Sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes no. But at least I know that I have stopped to evaluate my choices, and by attaching a real experience (the sweat and pain I endured at the gym) to what I am putting into my body, I have a better understanding of what the food that I am eating will mean to my exercise regime in upcoming days.

I hope this helps. Like I said, some people don't operate by imagining the "trade off" between food and exercise, but this is a really effective tool for me when I am struggling to make good choices for my mind and body.

And my former coworker? She lost about 95 pounds and not only looks amazing, but is healthy and vibrant and able to do so much more than before. May the margarine tub illustration live on!