My last post seemed to attract more readers than usual . . . I have the nagging feeling that there are lots of people out there who struggle with their personal fitness and health goals. I guess that is a given in our society: we are all aware of the "supermodel syndrome", the ridiculous expectations that we and society place upon our bodies and personal image, the fact that every woman (and probably lots of men, too) will always have something that she cannot accept about herself. Really, all one has to do is look at the young women around her to see the insecurities and confidence issues that plague the collective female consciousness.

I think that lots of companies are starting to pick up on this problem, and some are even trying to address it and change the status quo. Dove in particular does a great job; I'd encourage everyone to check out the Campaign for Real Beauty website to see tons of videos that feature everyone from young girls to older women talking about their self image and their struggle to come to grips with who they are and what they have been created to be.

Subservient Worker recently voiced some of the problems she faces in my comments section and asked for any advice I might be able to offer. I don't know if she quite knew what she was getting herself into with that request-- I could talk about this subject for hours! But, for the sake of you all, I will try to keep this abbreviated.

SW, I feel your pain! In lives as busy as ours, it often becomes difficult to eat well and exercise. It feels like we only have enough time or willpower to do one or the other, but to keep control of both is far too great an exertion in the midst of work and school and homelife and long distance relationships that depend entirely on webcams. (Maybe that last one just applies to me . . .)

Firstly, though, I want to encourage you that losing five pounds is a HUGE accomplishment, and to say congratulations! It is so easy for us to look at the number five, or seven, or even two, and think "That's nothing! I need to lose so much more than that!", and then we get discouraged. I once had a coworker who was working really hard to lose weight. She had been over 250 pounds for as long as I'd known her, and was just starting to attend a weight loss support group and really work on improving her health and lower her body weight. I remember I was once sharing with her my own frustrations about my body, and she told me something I will never forget, mainly because it came from someone who had clearly faced her own unique battle in this area.

"LM," she said, "when you think of losing five pounds of fat, it often doesn't seem like much, and I understand that you can get annoyed that the pounds aren't flying off. But look at this." She went to our office fridge and pulled out the industrial size five-pound tub of margarine that someone had left in the fridge for everyone's use. "Look at this tub. The fat you lost in the last month, the five pounds you worked so hard to get rid of, would fill this container. Feel how heavy it is. Look at it and imagine how much work it would take to make this entire container just disappear. That is what you have accomplished!"

And even if it sounds silly, ever since then, I have learned to picture my weight losses, small or large, in one pound blocks or five pound tubs of butter or margarine. To be able to look at a physical object and know that I, through sheer determination and hard work, have forcibly removed its equivalent in fat from my body is a huge boost for my self-esteem. It has really taught me to appreciate my own efforts and to celebrate the small successes along the way.

As for the fine balance between keeping up our healthy eating efforts and exercise goals at the same time, I can only share what I find helps me. This method may not work for everyone because we all have different ways of envisioning ourselves and our fitness efforts, but over the last few years, when I really started caring about my health, I have developed this habit which has helped me control this tricky area.

I look at calories. You see, 3500 calories equals one pound of fat. If you were to eliminate 500 calories from your diet everyday, over seven days you would lose one pound. So, I figure out how many calories I need to take in to maintain my current body weight (if you want this formula, feel free to ask/comment/email me). Then I take 500 calories off of the total, and over that week, I should lose one pound. The 500 calories can be either directly taken out of your diet, or they can be burned off by exercise, or a combination of both.

Using simple math like this helps me because it is indisputable fact. If you take away those 500 calories each day, you will lose the weight, no questions asked. To help myself control my eating, I tend to look at the calories I am burning while I am, say, exercising on the elliptical machine. In 25 minutes on the machine, I burn about 350 calories if I am working pretty hard. Later that day, if I am tempted to eat a bar of Swiss chocolate with hazelnuts (my absolute favorite!), I will look at the nutrition information on the bar and see that it contains 300 calories.

Then I think to myself, "I just worked really really hard to burn 350 calories. If I eat this chocolate bar now, will it be worth nearly 'cancelling out' all of the sweat and effort I just put in to burning the equivalent amount from my body?" Sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes no. But at least I know that I have stopped to evaluate my choices, and by attaching a real experience (the sweat and pain I endured at the gym) to what I am putting into my body, I have a better understanding of what the food that I am eating will mean to my exercise regime in upcoming days.

I hope this helps. Like I said, some people don't operate by imagining the "trade off" between food and exercise, but this is a really effective tool for me when I am struggling to make good choices for my mind and body.

And my former coworker? She lost about 95 pounds and not only looks amazing, but is healthy and vibrant and able to do so much more than before. May the margarine tub illustration live on!

My blog-friend OTC (mentioned in last post) has begun a running program called "The Couch-to-5K Running Plan". Her commitment to get in shape has inspired me! As you know, I am still engaged in the battle for BB 07, and I do visit the gym at least 4 times a week. I do cardio every time, and alternate between working my upper and lower body with each visit.

Altogether, I'd say I do a pretty respectable job of working up a sweat. I have noticed some great new muscle tone developing, and overall, I look leaner and trimmer. There is just one little problem . . . there is still fat everywhere!

Okay, maybe not everywhere. But I'm sure most of you female readers understand what I am going through, here. I used to be very fit and ran for an hour almost every day, and then did weights AND another half hour of cardio after that. Five days a week . . . back when I had no life!! Nowadays, I am a very busy girl who is just trying to stay healthy and fit and is struggling to find the time to do even that!

The problem isn't so much my physical condition now-- I mean, it's not that bad. It's just that once you've had a taste of being at your fitness peak, of fitting into anything you try on and looking great, of getting compliments all the time on your shape, well, it's hard to go back. This is what I'm referring to when I say that I'm sure most female readers understand this feeling- it's the knowledge that you aren't what you used to be, and it's hard to come to grips with.

So, in the endeavor to put aside my feelings of frustration and self-loathing everytime I look longingly at the tiny pairs of jeans littering my closet that I just can't quite do up anymore, I have taken up this running plan with OTC as my accountability partner! Though I don't think that either of us are quite at the point where we are going from the couch, as the name of the plan suggests, I am taking comfort in the fact that if the plan is made for couch potatoes, it can't be that hard!

I just got home from doing my first workout of week two. I'm feeling good, and hoping that this will be the kickstart that my little self-help body-scultping regime needs. After all, it is March and I seem to have plateaued at a weight loss of 10 pounds since the beginning of the year that I just can't seem to budge past. Sometimes a bit of variety is all you need to push yourself past that roadblock. Let's keep our fingers crossed that turning back to running once more is just the variety I need!

Thanks, On the Cusp, for the comment- I do need to get myself updating, don't I?! Sorry about the delay . . . it's funny how when things are going right in life you tend to neglect certain pursuits. I find the same thing happens with prayer. I always pray when things are going wrong or I don't know what to do, but when everything seems right, I just forget about communicating with the Higher Being. I'm not sure what that says about me, but hey, at least I'm honest!

Yes, things have been "hot and heavy" with Feb lately. He LOVES his webcam, and I think it really is very helpful for us. Seeing someone makes such a huge difference when you talk to them- it really cuts down on the little snarls and arguments that can arise from only hearing their voice. I can see when he is joking, I can see when he is getting frustrated, and I can see his beautiful smile . . . how could I possibly ever get mad again!?

Basically, things are going well between us. I am still hesitant to tell him how I feel. He knows it, and sometimes asks me if I am holding back because I don't want to be hurt. I just say yes. I think it's good that he knows that I am still wary of him; it keeps us both on our toes. I am simply not interested in having any sort of pretense in this relationship, so if I am scared of him, he is going to know it!

In other news, I am in the middle of (count 'em!) three group projects for school right now! It is utter madness, especially since one of my groups appears to have, collectively, a grade four reading and writing level. It is honestly disgraceful. Basically what happens is that I collect the work that each of us brings in each week, take it home, and rewrite ALL of it. I make it understandable, replace made-up words with real ones, add adjectives and lots of nice description, and try to make it something that anyone with an education beyond grade seven might enjoy reading. It really is that bad.

Aside from doing four times the amount of normal work that I should be doing with that one group, however, my other projects are coming along nicely and I'm looking forward to the end of the term in a few weeks. Feb is all concerned about me starting my new classes, but I have told him that they will begin in April, and I will see them through to completion- I need to get this designation if I want my dream job! After that, the possibilities of when I may go to Foreignland will be open for discussion . . .

Have no fear, everyone! Feb and I have worked things out. I was finally honest with him and told him just how much I really do care about and miss him. He has started to be more honest in conversation and to tell me how he's feeling on a regular basis.

He was scared to say how he felt because he thought he would sound stupid- you know, he left Canada, but now he says that he misses me. He thought that I would not believe him or not want to hear it when in reality, I really need to hear that. I'm not going to travel across the world for someone who doesn't make me believe that they want me to! So we are being careful to tell each other exactly what we are feeling, and it's going really well!

Being so far apart really does make it harder, though. I have decided that, if all goes well, I will head out to Foreignland again at the end of the summer. I have obligations here until that time- work, school, some volunteer stuff I do- that I really can't turn my back on, but at the end of August, I intend to go see him.

Readers, I'm so excited! And, guess what! Feb's birthday is coming up in a few days, and I bought him the coolest thing . . . a webcam! Now I know that to many of you, that is not an exciting present, but I really think he will be thrilled! You see, he has been asking me to get a webcam so that we can see each other while we talk online. In fact, he has been asking me to do that since our first separation period (when I was waiting for him to come out here) which was well over a year ago. I always said no, and I'm not really sure why. I think it is because I had weird connotations with webcams, thanks to some of the sketchy stuff that floats around on YouTube. I also like the idea that I can talk to him while I'm in my pajamas with no makeup and frizzy hair and it doesn't matter because he can't see me.

But I've realized that Feb's seen me like that before. It really doesn't matter to him if I look perfect all the time, and heaven knows that he's seen me at my worst and still wants me! I've also realized just how visual he really is. I know that guys in general are visually stimulated, and seeing things is really important for their learning and enjoyment, and maybe I'm just not aware of the extent of that, but it seems that Feb is even more visually jump-started than most guys. I mean, when I send him a simple picture of me, he can be excited about it for a week! I've decided that if it will be that exciting and wonderful for him, it really is worth it for me to cave in and get us webcam-enabled.

So, I went and bought two nice webcams and one is on its way to Foreignland as I type. The other is sitting on my computer and I have already tried it out a few times and discovered it is not as scary as I thought it would be.

Maybe, just maybe, Readers, things will be okay.

I spent most of the day today crying.

I am so confused again, Readers. Feb and I had a bit of a disagreement the other night- he wanted me to commit to coming back to Foreignland to see him, and I played hard-to-get and wouldn't give him that confirmation. Not only did I want to see how he would react, but I am still scared and unsure of the intensity and purity of his commitment to me. I guess I should have just been honest with him, but I wanted to see what he would say if I told him I was thinking of taking more courses that would keep me here until December.

He was so angry. He felt that I just didn't care about us being together. Then he did the male thing where he got all cold and started treating me like a stranger, refusing to talk and try to work the problem out.

I eventually told him that nothing was going to come out of this conversation, that I had a final exam AND a big project due the next morning, and as it was nearly midnight, that I should go.

I had an email the next morning from him with a quasi-apology, stating that he was "tired" and it made him act meanly. He said that he was sorry, though, which was nice.

I wrote back later that day and told him in many words how his behaviour made me feel. You see, Readers, it is really important to me that he know that when he shuts down and won't communicate with me, it really hurts me. I wanted him to know that it simply isn't an appropriate way to deal with miscommunications and fights. I told him that if he wants to rebuild my trust for him, he has to act in ways that cause me to want to trust him.

I got an email back this morning that said this:

"Hi. Thanks for the email.

You’ve made something pretty clear to me that I don’t think I realised myself. I'm not ready to put in the amount of work that this is going to take. I can’t do the phone and email thing any more, and that is where you are at at the moment. I'm not trying to hurt or punish you because you feel differently to me, I'm just trying to be real with you. However, that is exactly it. You feel differently to me.

I'm sorry that I made you feel like I didn’t care about you. Whether you can trust me or not, I hope you can believe that that was never my intention.

I think we could have been great together but the distance, along with our feelings from the past seem like too much of a hurdle.

I hope you understand where I am coming from.

Feb."


And now my heart is breaking all over again, and I don't know what to do.

I am so sorry it's been so long since I last posted! I have been in the throes of finishing one of my marketing courses and have a HUGE project due tomorrow, as well as a final exam. So I have been a busy girl and have not kept up my regular delightful interaction with all of you!

But I do have things to share, Readers. Most importantly . . .

Feb found the blog.

Actually, "found" is really not the right word. Feb searched out the blog. I was looking at my stats and seeing where people were coming to the site from, and I noticed one visitor came from a blog search engine. What had they used as the search terms? A quote from this post, which I quoted to Feb in one of my emails.

So I clicked on the details for that reader, and sure enough, his IP address was located in Foreignland, in the very state in which Feb lives.

Coincidence? I think not. What do you think, Readers? I told Feb when I sent him an excerpt from that post that I had a blog which none of my friends knew about- it was a place where I could be completely honest and not have to censor myself for anyone or anything. He knew that I wanted to keep it private, and I told him that I wanted to send him part of the post because I wanted him to be able to read how I felt at the moment I felt it, rather than trying to remember things after time had passed.

So the question is . . . is he a scroundrel for invading my privacy and reading all my innermost thoughts? Or am I a scoundrel for revealing my innermost thoughts to all of you, but not the person whom they are about?

I feel like my life is a soap opera.

Well, not really, because I don't have a twin sister who was in a coma and has now come back to kill my half-cousin-twice-removed who is also my boyfriend, whose love child I am carrying . . . or is it my uncles? But, I do feel like there are so many crazy developments in my life lately that I never know which ones to share with you all and the best ways in which to do it!

I'll start with the easy stuff. There is a new guy at the Restaurant, and let me tell you, the ladies think he is Hot Stuff. There was much discussion today about the his deep voice, his tanned skin, and his shapely derriere. (That part I just don't get- I really am not a girl who checks out a man's behind. It is probably the last thing I would ever look at in a guy! I guess I just feel that having a great looking ass is our territory.) He's nice, I guess, but a little too quiet- not very outgoing or friendly or funny. . . maybe all that will come with time. Overall, he's just not my type.

Apparently our new friend doesn't feel the same way. It would seem that I am very much his type, and he spent the whole day following me around, clearing and wiping my tables, and asking me questions. All that I could handle. Things got weird, however, when, after having spent some time on the staff phone, New Guy hung up with a triumphant smile and promptly asked me if I had any new tables. I checked, and as I did have a couple, headed out into the restaurant.

One of said new tables was a two-top, two strapping young men who were very polite and ordered ice waters and a couple of causal entrees. As I was punching everything in on the computer, the guy on the right called my name.

"L," he said, "is there by any chance a new guy working today?" I nodded. "Oh. That's good. How is he doing?" I replied that I hadn't really spent much time with him, but he seemed nice enough and was learning quickly.

This is the strange part, Readers. The guy proceeded to grill me on how I felt about New Guy, about his looks and his manners and his work ethic and his attractiveness . . . it was the most uncomfortable moment and I tried to get out of it as soon as possible. The guy finished by asking me to send New Guy over.

I went to the back to let him know that someone was looking for him, and New Guy broke into a huge smile and said, "Oh yeah! I know! That's my roommate!"

Readers! Is this not completely inappropriate and abnormal? New Guy recruited his roommate and a friend to come in on his first day and interrogate one of his brand new co-workers about his sex appeal! I think that is so. weird.

I will try to write the rest of my soap-opera day to you later tonight. For now, I am off to work on a midterm paper that is due in a couple of days!