I have a lot of reading to do, and was hoping to get some exercise in before going to class tonight, but I really thought I should let you all know what is going on! It has been an eventful few days to say the least, Readers, and I have so much to say, I don't even know where to start!

I responded to Feb's email pretty cautiously- I basically told him that he needed to figure things out for himself, as I am definitely not in any position to tell him how he feels about me! He replied by asking how I feel. I replied even more cautiously and told him that I would maybe-possibly-one-day-by-chance-maybe be open to trying again with him, but I was very clear that it would mean hard work and lots of time. I also told him straight out that my trust in him is greatly diminished after his disappearing act from Canada in December, and let him know that I was scared out of my mind of what kind of damage he could do to my heart if this all went awry again.

Then, Readers, I did something that I think is very brave. I sent him an excerpt from my last post. I told him that I had written it right after getting his email, so it was a very honest representation of how exactly I was feeling, which was what he proclaimed to want to know. That excerpt, you will remember, was very clear about the whole moving issue- how I want a man who will go anywhere to be with me and do not want one who will not compromise on this issue.

I was so scared as I hit "send" on that email. I just knew that he would read those words, reaffirm to himself how badly he wants to remain in Foreignland, and dismiss once and for all the notion of being with me. I felt sick and wondered if I should have waited on addressing that issue. Why not just get back into a routine with him, let him fall in love with me again, and then bring up the Foreignland-Canada conundrum later and hope he was so besotted with me that it wouldn't matter this time?

I was very patient for about twenty minutes while I waited for a response. Then I couldn't handle it anymore and sent him a text message that said "I emailed a response! Wake up and read it!" About twenty minutes after that, I received a phone call.

Readers, the next two hours are a blur. I can tell you the important parts though. Feb finally told me the real reasons that he left Canada. When he left, he told me that our different countries were the biggest problem, and that he just didn't care for me anymore. I couldn't quite believe that. I just couldn't comprehend how over a year of kisses and relationship and memories and laughter and working things out could boil down to just that, but I really had no choice in the matter. He left.

Then, after months of agonizing and rehashing and analyzing and trying to forget, I finally got to hear the truth. The short of it is, Feb panicked. He looked at himself and how young he is and just wanted to go home and party and live life for him and him alone without being "tied down". He wanted to be selfish, and having a serious girlfriend (or wife, as we were discussing at that point) just did not fit into that picture.

After a couple weeks of that, he told me, Feb started to realize that his plan wasn't working. His friends were no replacement for me, constant drinking was leaving him feeling emptier than when he started, and his life was not looking the way he wanted it to. He started to reevaluate his goals and his emotions and what he wants in the long run. He prayed and read books and asked people for advice. He looked at how he wants to live overall and then he told me this, Readers:

"L, I realized that when I wanted to live selfishly and stupidly, I didn't want you in my life because you just didn't fit there. Now, I want my life to be about so much more than it is, and when I look at it that way, I realize that you are the perfect fit for me. I'm sorry for stuffing up. I see now that if we are absolutely, clearly supposed to be together, where I live couldn't matter less."

Oh wow.

I was silent. I cried. I thought and took deep breaths and cried some more. I smiled, hugely, because I couldn't keep one from creeping onto my face.

And I told him that I would need time and that I wanted him to be so sure of all this because I really couldn't take it again if he changed his mind. We agreed that we would take it slow, keep talking and getting to know each other again, and then we would see if things are supposed to "happen" with us for a second round.

He sent me another email that night- here's part of it:

" . . . I realise that this is a risk for you, and I hope you understand how seriously I take it. Whether you are my girlfriend or not, I am still very protective of you and would do anything to keep you from being hurt. At the moment, I am looking at myself, my intentions and my past experience to work out how to keep you safe throughout this now. I am thinking things through long and hard, and am trying to put what is best for you at the forefront of my decisions . . . "

Readers, I feel so many things! I am nervous and excited and scared and thrilled . . . I think we are both aware that if we do decide to "reunite", it will be for good this time. The stress of going back and forth between Foreignland and Canada is too much, and if we decide that we are meant to be, it will be forever.

Thank you all so much for your input! Your comments helped me realize that I had to be honest and firm about how I felt about the moving-for-each-other issue because it is the one point I can't negotiate on. And, sick as it made me at the time, I now realize that was the best thing I could have done! He said that reading that excerpt from the blog was so good for him- he said it was so honest and real and he really valued knowing how I felt. So thank you for caring enough to let me know what you think- it means so much to me!

Things are still very tentative and exploratory, but I think that for now, at least, it will all be okay. I have a lot of trust issues to deal with, and am still very afraid in a lot of ways, but I guess that all just takes time.

We'll see!